The End

I debated about posting this.....really it's no one's business. Everyone has their opinion. But since I occasionally get comments about my honestly being helpful to someone, here it goes.....

On Wednesday, I will take measures to make sure that I won't have anymore babies. It's like tube-tying, but no cutting or burning is required. It's actually called Essure, and I will go into my ob/gyn's office and they will insert something into my tubes and then leave it in there. In 3 mos, I will go back and they will test to see if scar tissue has formed and is blocking my tubes. And that will be that.

I was pretty sure when I was pregnant with my last that I wanted her to be my last. I don't mind babies. I don't mind kids. I. Hate. Being. Pregnant. Babies are a blessing, yes, but not so much pregnancy. At least for me. It's 40 weeks of total misery. And I have 'side effects' to pregnancy that I didn't even know you could have. Like Restless Leg Syndrome. Except over my whole body from week 18 onward. I don't deal with pregnancy very well. Labor is a piece of cake, though, really. Under 12 hours of labor and less than 15 min of pushing is impressive. I thing my body is as ready to be done with the whole invasion as my brain is.

But Gabe and I gave ourselves a several year window to make the final call juuuuuust in case. There's a long list of things that if they were different, I would be more willing to have another baby. But it is really long and full of things that no one can guarantee or make happen. Like space, money, no more Restless Leg Syndrome, migraines, vein issues, etc. Oh, and I'd have to find a new drs office since mine got rid of all their midwives (except the one I don't like). And then I'd have to go off certain meds, and I am at the point where that isn't an idea that works. Jadyn and Ava would have to go to public school in that instance. (Just trust me when I say me not on meds isn't a good idea on ANY level.)

Then there's the bigger issue of my want/love of orphans. I just don't think I (me, just ME- not passing judgement on others, ME) could have another when there are so many hundreds of thousands of children that are in foster care or orphanages. I would feel guilty. I would rather give a child that is already in this world a chance at a family than have another of my own, just for the sake of having one more.

I am sad when I think of no more babies. I'd love to have a boy. I'd love to have another blond so people (might) stop asking my if Jadyn is mine or a friend of the family. I see little round faced, red headed boys and imagine that's probably that's what ours would look like if had another. I look at pictures of my girls as babies and wish I could go back in time, just for a day. And I wish often I could freeze time so they won't get any bigger or older. But popping out another one won't stop time. And it's ok to be sad and wonder 'if''. A passing of an era is sad.

But I am alright, underneath it all. And so is Gabe. We have prayed and are looking forward to what may come our way. I'm nervous about the actual procedure on Wed, but am at peace with the over all picture. I have been blessed three times over and wouldn't trade them for anything.

Prayers appreciated Wed at 11.