Pardon me while I ramble. I am trying to sort some things out in my own mind.
I am not what I call a 'militant home school' mom. You know the kind- and you might be one, which is totally fine. By 'militant' I mean they have a hardcore conviction to only and ever home school. They are opposed to public school, and even Christian/private school. They dislike other people having that much 'sway' over their children, or they have a Bible verse they claim as their foundation to teach their children. Again, nothing wrong with that.
But that's not me.
I even said I would never home school. I started homeschooling Jadyn (my oldest) in Kindergarten. She had been going to a nice Christian preschool and I had really wanted to keep her there at least another year or two. Bringing her home was a financial decision, and I was suddenly excited about being her mom AND teacher. I was only going to teach her for a year, then put her back in school. But then after one year, I decided to teach her one more. Now we are in second grade. And Ava (my second) has such anxiety issues, homeschooling was pretty much a no brainer after her brief and (in her mind) terrible half day preschool experience. So I am teaching 2nd grade, Kindergarten and preschool.
So here is my current issue: I guess because I am not a 'militant home school mom', I am like a child undertaking a chore, constantly hoping to be done. Trying like mad to do a fantastic job~ I constantly think, "If she goes to school next year she will need to *fill in the blank*." (work without me standing over her, write neater, etc)
I constantly think "I'm done. No more." Then we'll have a great day, and I'll feel renewed. I feel guilt for wanting to quit. I feel fear when I imagine her in a 3rd grade room, overwhelmed, on the first day. But then, she might love it; she might thrive; it might be right up her little social ally.
I feel selfish wanting freedom. Either way I lean, I feel guilt.
Which is completely stupid, I know. I don't think less of my friends who send their kids to school. I don't think more of my friends who home school.
The bottom line is: I need to do what's best for our family. And that's hard to pick when I don't have a solid 'conviction' one way or the other. I have to try and keep any possible selfish feelings and motives out of the way, and THAT is crazy hard to do.
Hence, my constant head-beating-against-a-brick-wall. And rambling blog. And more prayer.
