Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Random Act of Kindness and our Adoption

There is this young, single mom in my Thursday night discipleship group. She has a (super cute) daughter that just had her first birthday.

Thursday we met and she started telling me about her daughter's birthday, and how she (the mom) has been wanting to be able to give back and bless others. One way she decided to do this? She explained to everyone coming to her daughter's birthday party, that in lieu of gifts to please bring a donation to go to a family that needed some help. (I didn't see the email, so I don't really know what all was said.)

At this point, she brought out an envelope and gave it to me. We were the family she wanted to help. Specifically, to help with K's adoption costs.

The total shock I felt left me just staring at her. I sure hope I seemed as grateful as I was/am because I could not form a thought or a sentence. The complete selflessness of the act blew me completely out of the water. Complete selflessness and sacrifice.

I don't want to give her name. I hope she sees this. (If you do, just 'like' my post on Facebook.) Thank you doesn't cover it. I know you could have used the cash/gifts for yourself or for your daughter. I pray you get blessed in a HUGE way for this. I hope this story inspires others to use this idea and to find their own family to help.

Thank you again, from the bottom of our hearts.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Raw Emotion

Currently, there I am doing something that people do in college or about that stage....No, it's not wild parties or drinking, or studying until 3 in the morning....

It's questioning. Everything. Every belief I have ever had or thought I had is being thoroughly re-examined. 

No, not re examined, because I never really thought for myself,  I just swallowed thoughts and positions on topics because the person standing in front of me said it was so. Then I regurgitated it as needed.  

When kids go to college, or join the work force, they generally meet up with people that have different thoughts. There's discussions, persuasions, arguments. But eventually, you end up either convinced you were right, or you change your stance. Often, this is labeled a 'crisis of faith'. I'm sure sometimes that's what it is, but a lot of times, the now adult child has their own ideas and is swapping out the previous beliefs for another: a belief that THEY OWN. 

I never did that. I took what my parents thought and it meshed with what people at 'college' taught/thought/said and the people I worked with, so I was never challenged to think for myself. 

I thought I thought for myself, but really, I was a ignorant parrot. 

Then I got married. And I adopted some (okay, a lot) of what my husband thought and believed. It wasn't really drastically different, so it was an easy flow. 

Then I got bogged down in babies. And I admired the people around me who had well thought out beliefs and could articulate them. I was tired, battling depression, and could barely form words, forget complete sentences!

Fast forward to my children being older. Now, for the first time, I start the very beginnings of rethinking my beliefs. How do I want to raise my kids? Discipline them? Teach them? And why- why do I come to my conclusions? 

The atomic blast was from my middle child. She hit me over the head with stubbornness, energy, and then as she got older, there was her diagnosis with anxiety, OCD and ADHD. Which, BTW, I never believed existed until she came along. 

There are not words for the wake up call that was, and how much that shook me. Or the judgement from other parents. Or the relief that *I* wasn't a bad parent (once I decided I didn't give a flying fig what others thought) she really needed the diet changes and medication (and probably, one day, therapy). 

There were some other events that lead to my need to rethink my beliefs. I remember the distinct moment in a Bible study where I was overwhelmed with the knowledge that large portions of my beliefs and opinions where either COMPLETELY FALSE or needed some 'fine tuning'. 

Internally, I freaked out. Internally, I'm still freaking out. It's over whelming. It's exhausting. It's emotional. It's unpleasant. It has cost me sleep, time, energy and friends. And I'm not done. Had I done this when I was in my 20s, it would have been easier. But I had built so much on so many either LIES, or at the least, faulty conclusions. So there's an extra 15 years worth of crap to unload and process. 

So if I offend you while I reprogram myself, I'm sorry. If I alienate you, please have patience with me. If you are reading my blogs and talking with me on Facebook and you cannot figure out what the everlovin' crap is WRONG with me, this post is all I can refer you to. Please bear with me while I have MY 'crisis of faith' (and, no, I'm not ditching God, Jesus, church or the Bible, although that maybe your perception). 

Please stand back while my head implodes and am forced to do things that should have happened years ago. And if you are dealing with the same thing, I'd love to talk to you, because currently I feel pretty lonely. 

Friday, May 10, 2013

Bitter- table for one

I have been posting a lot of links and such the last several weeks. They have (mostly) been with regard to the Gosnell trial, sexual abuse awareness and it's mishandling in the "Christian" community, abuse in the name of discipline, and home schooling. I've gotten interesting responses to several of those 'rabbit trails', some good, some bad.

I'm hoping there were eyes opened as a result of the links I shared, but I have no real idea. And that's okay.

The home school stories however, apparently really anger people. Which is not my goal. My goal is to make people aware of what is going on outside our bubble, and make those of us that *do* home school maybe, just maybe, raise our bars and make sure we don't fall in the same holes as those that have gone before us.

I was home schooled 3rd thru 12th grade. Then I taught in Christian schools. Then I home schooled my own three. I sort of felt like someone who has been-there-done-that, therefore was maybe, just maybe, slightly more knowledgeable than the 'average ranter' on any random blog. Instead, I have been labeled as bitter, disillusioned, and accused of slander, generalizations, and throwing the baby out with the bathwater- all on more than one occasion. (Side note about the bathwater, I shouldn't throw homeschooling out with the bathwater, but it's okay if they throw out public schools with the bathwater.) I even was told to stick to being funny.

If you are doing a good job teaching your children, I applaud you. I have lots of friends that home school, and as far as I know and can tell, they do a great job. Nothing I have said about poor home schooling has been specifically aimed at anyone. But I'm not in every house 24/7, and it's not my job to police you. That's YOUR job, as the home schooling parent.

What I saw growing up in the home schooling subculture- if you will- was fear of government, perfect families on parade at conferences, people who twist scripture to control their wives and children, and the occasional mother who burned out and probably should have put their child in school, but didn't. There was, at that time, probably still now to a degree, a lot of pressure not to quit or give up on home schooling. There might still be, but I cannot deal with being in a home school group, so I'm rouge and therefore not subjected to that kind of pressure. (I only went to one meeting and almost couldn't breath the entire time.)

Since there are very few regulations on home schooling, home schooling families generally don't get 'busted' like public school teachers/systems do. Which then makes schools look bad and home schooling look like the safest option. Therefore, us first generation home schoolers grow up, find our voices, and write blogs or 'rant' on Facebook. Like it or not, there IS A REASON there are home school 'survivor' blogs and groups. The reasons are many, but the biggest reason (as I can tell) is that we had no voice as children/teens but we're darn sure going to speak now because NOT everyone who home schools SHOULD home school.

(And then we get labeled and dismissed.)

You can tell yourself what you want. You can block me (as some have). You can ignore what's going on. I'm not bitter- I was raised the best my parents knew how at the time (I say that because I'm sure from convos that we've had they would redo certain parts). I can't undo any portion of how I was brought up, I can only learn from it. I can copy what worked and toss the rest. I can warn of pitfalls and try and make you see from a different perspective. I'm very thankful for various blogs and friends, because I, personally, have learned a lot. Iron sharpening iron, that sort of thing. What works for one, doesn't work for all. It can't! We're too different and we're all constantly changing and growing and (hopefully) maturing.

I'm hopeful this has made some of you see where I am coming from. I'm hoping this has cleared up a few things. I'm hoping that maybe some of you will be less ticked at me. I am NOT against home schooling. Even though I will be putting my three in public school this next school year, we might circle back to home schooling. We see education as a year by year decision. "What do our kids need at this stage?" is what we ask ourselves. I only know a few others who do that, and I know that makes us seem strange. Well, strangER, and that's okay. We don't parent for points or popularity or as a result of peer pressure, we parent for our kids.


Preggo Update: Week 17

I kinda missed the 12 week post and the 16 week post, so pardon me while I catch up on week 17 here.

How many weeks: 17 exactly

Weight gained: 5

Sickness: No. That stopped about week 12 or 13. I am having horrendous heartburn some evenings however. The kind that goes all the way through to your back and between your shoulder blades.

Any cravings: Weird ones. Like Pizza Hut Personal Pan pizzas (specific, I know) and CFA sandwhiches. Still loving the milk, too.

Any purchases: No, but I have my eye on a really cute diaper bag :)

Are you finding out the gender: Yes. I have with all 3. I will be at 20 weeks on Memorial Day weekend, but we are not having the u/s done until mid June. It's only 2 extra weeks, but we are hoping to take Ksenija to that appt.

Can you feel the baby: Yes. Slightly more than flutters, but still not very strong.

Any gender guess: None. I have zero feeling at all as to what this baby will be. I guessed correctly on 2 out of our 3, and I wish I had some inner clue this time. Specifically, I'm pulling for a blond boy, but we'll see. :)

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Baby in the Bath Water, Pt 2

This is addressing the blog I keep seeing called "18 Reasons Why Doctors and Lawyers Homeschool Their Children" You can read it for yourself HERE.

The title drives me crazy. It might as well say "18 Reasons why smart and affluent people choose to homeschool". But the author is a doctor (so she says) so I'll leave it alone.

Reason #1  We spend less time homeschooling each day than we used to spend driving.
>>>Oh My. I don't have her actual schedule for dropping off and picking up, but it sounds horrendous. I'm not a huge fan of buses, and it sounds like she might feel the same.


Reason #2 We can’t afford private education.
>>>I talked about that in my last blog. How Christian schools vilify the public school system but then jack their prices up so high, it makes it an elitist club.

Reason #3  Our kids are excelling academically as homeschoolers. Homeschooling allows us to enrich our children’s strengths and supplement their weaknesses. The kids’ education moves as fast or as slow as required for that particular subject area. They are not pigeon-holed and tracked as gifted, average, or special needs.
>>> Maybe they do excel. But maybe, just maybe, they'd excel anyway. And the moving as fast or slow as your child needs? That gets abused greatly. It's an excuse for many not to push their child. I was convinced my child had learning issues when we (finally) placed her in a public school class. Turns out I was her problem. I could not motivate, and she dragged her feet for me. She doesn't do that to her teacher, and her teacher has gotten more from her this last year than I have gotten out of her in 3 years. It's amazing. It was humbling. I could teach (and did for years) classes of children and never had a problem with them doing work or listening or being motivated. They never came to me crying because they didn't want to do their math paper. They save that for MOM. Taking myself out of the equation solved the issue. No more 'learning problems'. And she enjoys doing homework with me because it's our special time.

Oh, and even though you may not want another adult to 'lable' your child, you do it. Yes, you do. It's how you 'meet their individual needs'.



Reason #4 Homeschooling is not hard, and it’s fun!
>>>If that is the case in your home, I am glad. It wasn't the case in our home. It had it's moments, like most things, but it wasn't exactly 'fun'.


Reason #5 Use whatever public school services you like. Need speech therapy, the gifted program, or remedial academics? Homeschooled kids are still eligible for all these services. Some homeschoolers come into public school daily for “specials” like art, music, PE, or the school play. Your kids can even join high school sports teams once they are old enough. Our kids are still in sports and scouts sponsored by their old schools.
>>>I applaud this use of services. There are also homeschooling co-ops available. I'm all in favor of those also. Everyone gets a break. Everyone gets to socialize and get the help (and fun) they need and want.
(Did anyone else notice she just contradicted herself???)


Reason #6 I like parenting more, by far.
>>>If you feel less pressure 'just' homeschooling than what you were doing before, that's fine. That's not how I and some others I have talked to feel, but it's fine if that's you.


Reason #7 Our family spends our best hours of each day together. We were giving away our kids during their best hours, when they were rested and happy, and getting them back when they were tired, grumpy and hungry. I dreaded each evening, when the fighting and screaming never seemed to end, and my job was to push them through homework, extracurriculars, and music practice. Now, our kids have happy time together each day. At recess time, the kids are actually excited about playing with each other!
>>>Again, not my experience, but Okay. Here, the kids are happy to be reunited and often run off and play together right away. They miss each other, and I love seeing them meet back up and run off into the back yard.


Reason #8 We yell at our kids less.
>>>Um, okay. If you say so.


Reason #9 Our kids have time for creative play and unique interests.
>>>I hear this a lot. Maybe if you have much older kids that I have right now, this could be true. In general, I see public school or private school kids getting to pursue interests. Archery, volley ball, softball, soccer, dance, gymnastics, etc. Most of my homeschooling friends (on line and in real life, plus myself as a child) do nothing. Or one sport. Because even if your child has all day, most studios and teams are set up with practice and games on the weekend and evenings.


I"m combining #10 and #11 We are able to work on the kids’ behavior and work ethic throughout the day. Get rid of bad habits, fast. Dirty clothes dropped on the floor? They used to stay there all day. Now there is no recess until they are cleaned up. I never really had the time to implement most behavioral techniques when my kids were in school. I knew what I needed to do to get my kindergartner to dress herself, but it was easier to dress her myself then deal with the school complaining that she was improperly dressed or late. Now, if she takes too long to get dressed, she misses out on free play time.
>>>This sounds like more of  parenting issue. If your kid is slow and making you late, get them up earlier, Or heaven forbid, they 'only' dress themselves on weekends or after a bath. When J leaves her pjs on the floor, guess what? She doesn't get to go outside until she picks them up. It's still teaching work before play. Oh, and I bet there are adults who aren't as neat as they badger their children into being. I'm often guilty of this myself. There is also a subtle attempt here to say that kids who go TO school are less disciplined than those who stay IN to school.



Reason #12 Be the master of your own schedule. 
>>>This is about the parent, not the child. It's also code for laziness. (Not all the time, I get it. But you see why this would make me cringe.)


Reason #13 Younger children learn from older siblings. 
>>>I have seen this, and it is cool. However, it's also very distracting for the older ones to have a whiny 4 year old wanting to watch what they are doing when they need to concentrate. So it's a toss up.


Reason #14 Save money.
>>>Less gas, not buying prepackaged lunches, etc. Again, this probably varies per family.


Reason #15 Teach your kids practical life skills
>>>Guess those poor public schoolers are screwed. They never have to manage their time, or budget their allowance. Oh, wait.....


16) Better socialization, less unhealthy peer pressure and bullying.
>>>There is a reason the stereotype of 'awkward homeschooler' exists. But there are also awkward people everywhere, so I won't harp here. And I really do sympathize with anyone trying to deal with bullying. Even with systems and helps in place (in school), there are still kids falling through the cracks. If you were to tell me that you are homeschooilng because of bullying (that happened, not bc it MIGHT), my heart would honestly go out to you and your child.


Reason #17 Sleep!
>>>I hear schedules work great. Oh! A chance to practice time management! Hurray!


Reason #18 Teach kids your own values. According to the national center for education statistics, 36% of homeschooling families were primarily motivated by a desire to provide religious or moral instruction. Our family is not part of this 36%– we never objected to any values taught in either our public or private schools. Nevertheless, we’ve really enjoyed building our own traditions and living out our family values in a way that wasn’t possible before homeschooling.
>>>If the only chance you have to teach your children your values or your traditions is between 8:15 and 3:30, there might be a problem. You have birth to 5 or 6 to tell your kids there is no Santa Claus. They won't revert just because they are in class. This past Easter, our daughter in PS was told to draw an Easter picture on the computer during her free time in computer class. Do you know what she drew? An empty tomb, and angel, and a grassy field with the caption "Jesus rose from Death". And even if she had chosen to draw a field full of rabbits and eggs, she still knows what Easter is about. Not because she was homeschooled, but because we talk to her and her sisters and she has awesome Sunday School teachers. And all that didn't stop merely because she went 'out' to school.



I am NOT anti homeschool. I AM anti pat answers, generalizations and stereotypes. I am saying think for yourself without giving in to the fear machines of HSLDA and Focus on the Family, among others. There is a time and a place to homeschool. There is a time and a place for private/Christian school. And there is a time and a place for public schools.



Like I said in my last post, what works for one might not work for others. Homeschooling was the answer for our family, but now that door is closing. Other doors are opening. There is no one size fits all education. And I'm seeing now how hanging on to that belief is prideful and damaging. And as I let go of a life time of beliefs, I see others holding on, and it makes me want to help. Because I see myself in them.


(((You can Read Part One, HERE)))








Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Sometimes, there is no baby in the bathwater.....(Part One)

I have been mulling something over for about a month. Pieces of this for much longer. There is something I have noticed and it's kind of driving me bonkers.

As someone who has taught in Christian/private schools, home schooled, been home schooled and now a mom of a public school student, I feel like I have a bone to pick.....

Growing up home schooled and going to a billion home schooling conferences, I heard tons of 'horror' stories of public school kids/classes/teachers. Looking back, I am surprised that some of these speakers didn't dim all the lights and put a flashlight under their chin while they spoke. Parents leave these conferences determined not to let their kid go to a public school EVER. So they keep home schooling, and honestly? Some home schooling families have no business "teaching" their kids, because they are learning nothing. (Those are the ones that give the 'good' home schooling families a bad name.) And even if these poor moms are ready to quit home schooling, they can't. There's fear. There's judgement. There's a pile canned, self-righteous answer for all their reasons. Generally speaking, there's no money to send their children to Christian school, public school is 'out' (in their minds) and so they muddle on. Done, but not done.

When I taught (in several) Christian schools, there would be comments from the admins and staff alike that would poo-poo the other Christian school in the area. Basically, gossip. ABC school handled such and such poorly, we would have handled it so much better. XYZ school allows such and such to go on, we would never allow that here. It all pretty much follows the pattern of "they are bad because, we are better because".  Building yourself up with examples that may or may not be true (or based on truth) and tearing another down. It's kind of a manipulative way to keep your staff and students right where you want them, all the while jacking up their tuition so much, it's almost (if not impossible) to send even one child, never mind more than one. But still looking down their noses at public school families and rolling eyes at home schoolers.

I'm pretty tired of the whole scene. There are fabulous teachers in the public school system, just like there are fabulous teachers at the little Christian school down the road, and fabulous mothers teaching their own children. And, news flash, there are horror stories coming out of all three. The public school system is not the enemy. It makes a convenient target, because it's big and vague. And just because you assign too much home work, make your students wear uniforms, and have Christian in your title doesn't make you 'better'. And there are home schooling families that need to put aside their fear and the lies they have swallowed for years and admit they are in over their heads. The bottom line should be your children's education. My oldest has learned more this year in public school. than she has the last 3 years I have taught her. It's been the best thing for her. I can 'just' be her mom, and it's taken a lot of pressure off of me.

It kills me when I hear people say, "I got to hear my child sing praise songs while cleaning their room. Ah, the benefits of home schooling." Or, "I just got to see my child read a chapter out of the Bible. Ah, the benefits of home schooling." Really? Some how my children will never read the Bible or sing praise songs because they are in public school? They will never play nicely with their sisters or practice the piano or go to AWANAs because they are in school? Just because it happens at 10:30 in the morning at your house, doesn't mean it can't happen after 3:30 in the afternoon at my house.

However you choose to educate your child is your business.

  But there is not ONE way to do it. And there is not merely ONE way for each family. Kids are different, their needs are different, and situations change. And being fluid isn't being weak. It's being open minded and honest and putting your kids first.

And isn't that what parenting is all about?




Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Q&A, 1

I totally stole this from one of my friends. When she started doing this, I thought, "Too bad I'm done, or I would have enjoyed doing this."

Ha. Ha. HA.




How far along? Roughly 8 weeks

Total weight gain? 1.5

Cravings? Potatoes. MILK. Not together, lol. (The cravings part is very similar to my pregnancy with my oldest.)

Morning Sickness? Yes. Certain smells nearly kill me (like the smell of popcorn) I generally feel unwell and boarder line nauseated and heart burn-y all day. Things I used to eat and drink with no problem (like bread) now repulse me.

Baby is the size of…   a blueberry  (which  makes me wonder why I am already in my maternity pants?!)

Trouble sleeping? I WAS having terrible RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome) which is complete and utter torture. I am now sleeping with a bar of soap under my sheets and I don't have it any more. Mind. Blown.

Aches/Pains/Swelling? Not really.

Happy or moody?  Moody. It's worse in the mornings. If I can make it to noon without crying, I consider it a good day. (But I also had to come off my anti depressant, so I think I'm doing pretty well considering.)

Nursery Plans? Ha. No. I have tracked down a crib to borrow. But honestly, this baby will share a room with me and Gabe til he/she can sleep all night. It's one of the 'horrors' of being  Baby #3 thru whatever.

Reaction of Other Children?  They were (and are) all super happy. Including our Latvian daughter (who isn't here yet). I was afraid she would find out thru someone else (since she's on FB now and has several friends here). We told her Sunday. She was very happy. :)

Monday, March 4, 2013

Should my Kids be BFFs?

There are times when a standard or idea rub me the wrong way, but I can't put my finger on WHY. And like I have said before, nothing challenges your belief system quite like being a parent. Large portions of my life the last few years have been spent asking myself "Is this really what I think/believe? Or is this a left over idea that I was made to believe and follow?"

I grew up in a home schooled family of five. Living with my siblings had it's good points and not so good points. There were siblings I got along with most of the time down to siblings that I got along with none of the time. As adults, we get along, and I am very close to  my sisters especially. That hasn't always been the case when we were trying to share rooms or clothes or chores.

Being in home school groups and circles and conferences, we heard A LOT of "God wants your children to be best friends" and "The world says siblings fight, etc, but we are to be different." I'm pretty sure I heard these statements about a dozen times, if not more.

Now I have kids. Three girls less than 4 years apart. Plus we're adopting an older child. Plus, I'm expecting a baby, which means that my 2 youngest will be just over 6 years apart. What do I expect from them? Do I expect them to be BFFs? Where along the line do I think they should fall? There has to be something between 'my brother is a plague upon the earth' and 'I don't need friends because I have my sister'.

I've done some digging. There are verses in the Bible about conflict resolution, about peace making, about love and friendship. I cannot find a verse ANYWHERE about God expecting siblings to be best friends. Or friends. So I dug around on Google. I found lots of people stating that "God wants your children to be friends" but no Scripture to back up this statement. And if you are going to tell me that GOD says something, I'm going to NEED TO SEE THE VERSE. Or verses, because maybe He didn't come flat out and say it, maybe He insinuated it. But I'm not seeing many of those either: we're just back to the verses about friendship and love. (And what about only children? Are they doomed to have no friends because God somehow 'forgot' to send them siblings?)

Here is my new-to-me conclusion: this is (another) standard we parents put upon ourselves and our children, handing them a burden God never intended. Putting pressure on ourselves as moms. We see our children fighting, we feel like failures. Obviously, we aren't doing something right. I have felt this way myself. One of my children doesn't get a long with her sisters. She can for short periods of time, but compared to how the other two get along (playing for hours at a time), it's pretty much non existent. She prefers her church friends and her friends from school. And before there was school, sister play was still not her first choice.

Would it be great if they all got along? Yes. Do I allow her to treat her sisters like poo poo just because there's no Bible verse about siblings = Best Friends? No. She CAN still treat her sisters with respect, learn to apologize, learn to problem solve, learn to work as a team, and learn to compromise with them. And guess what? She needs to learn how to do those things with people outside the home too. To say a child can only learn those lessons with siblings, or should learn with siblings first is a big leap into "HUH?" territory.

Kids are born with different personalities and temperaments, like and dislikes. Is it my job to robo-tize them into all being alike so they get along? I don't think so. Different personalities gives them different strengths and varying interests. It's what makes them, THEM.

So, do I need to beat myself up because my kids just had a fight over what to play with? Nah. Show them how to work it out using kind words? Yes.

Having your kids be best friends sounds great. One day, if mine are all best pals and live on the same road, I will do a happy dance. If they end up living in different states and communicating via text messaging 90% of the time, that will be okay too.

But I don't think I'm going to put pressure on them to be best friends any more. I certainly will never tell them they HAVE to because GOD SAYS SO. And I'm definitely done making myself feel bad if my kids have a fight (or 10) through out the day and I have done nothing but try and referee from sun up til sun down.

Whew. That's a load off.



(On a side note here, it was really discouraging to dig thru several pages of Google results to find ONE blog post that was brave enough and logical enough to stand up against the endless piles of books and bloggers stating that God wants your kids to be best friends. You can read her blog HERE, although I can't vouch for everything else she says, because I haven't looked at anything else she's written. Yet.)

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Be Aware and Choose for Yourself

This is a very difficult post to write. It's difficult because I am full of emotions and I need to be clear and logical with what I am about to say.

We are adopting. We hosted an eleven year old girl in 2011. When you host, you need to have a sort of 'mini' home study done. The hosting organization has sort of a default relationship with One World Adoption Services. If you want to host, you have OWAS do your home study.

I DO NOT have an issue with the hosting organization. I DO NOT have an issue with any one that works there. They have been great.

One World was able to get our mini home study done. I don't think we had any issues then. It was pretty straight forward.

When hosting turned to a desire to adopt this child, we had to wait for her father's parental rights to be terminated. This took several months longer than we were told it would. This had nothing to do with OW. Meantime we rehosted, and our girl turned twelve.

Because OWAS had done our hosting home study, the simplest thing to do was to use them for the adoption.

This is where the pile of problems began to stack up. I do not have the time to outline every single event as they happened. What I will do is list the issues we had, as clearly as I can, so you can see for yourself why you wouldn't want to use this agency.

1.) Emails bad news. Repeatedly.
2.) Claims not to have correct number. Repeatedly.
3.) Cant keep up with correct information. Repeatedly.
4.) Asks for documentation that is none of their business. (IE several months worth of bank statements, and house payment records)
5.) They do not ask questions. They deliver decisions. (IE Income claim and last years tax return don't match. You are unqualified. Really? All that meant for us was that my hubs had gotten a raise and promotion in the last few months. A simple note from his employer was all that was needed.)
6.) Heavy handedness.
       >They decided we couldn't possibly afford another child. They made up the following: 3 mos expenses in savings, 2 small credit cards paid off, 'more on time' house payments [we had never missed one!?] Once we did all that PLUS paid off our van, we contacted them to complete our home study. This took us a year to do.
       >Decided that parts of what we had ALREADY done had to be redone, even though certain documents were good for several more months.
   
8.) When our social worker needed to cancel meetings & visits, or tell us she was running almost an hour late for a meeting, she always chose email. I don't always check my email (and really, there are a lot of ppl who don't have Internet at home, or access to their email accounts every second of every day, so this was a poor choice of communication. Esp since she was given our numbers REPEATEDLY.)

9.) When meetings had to be cancelled, there was never an apology, and rarely was there an explanation. The emails would be very curt: I cannot make it for your home visit. I can reschedule for next week.

10.) We have repeatedly asked that when she email one of us, that she CC the other. She never did this. Even when I would email her and CC Gabe, so ALL SHE HAD TO DO was hit 'Reply to All', she refused to do so.

11.) When our caseworker emailed me Monday afternoon, in response to an email I sent to her double checking the rescheduling of our home visit, we were told they would no longer be working with us as they decided not to approve our home study. No questions, no apologies, no PHONE CALL, no chance for us to explain or ask questions.

Even though the baby I am now pregnant with doesn't count against our finances until he/she is here, and even though friends in similar situations had to show plans for closing in rooms or adding on, we were given no such chance. Again, they play god and make up their own rules.

They have offered to hold onto our home study and complete it in a YEAR. No, thanks. We've moved on. To an agency that sees our daughter as a waiting person. To an agency that doesn't try and play god. To an agency that works within the law and the standards that are already in place, NOT MAKING UP THEIR OWN.

Oh, also? Monday afternoon I posted this as my Facebook status :No one adopting should EVER work with One World Adoptions. NEVER EVER. Period. THE END. We were then sent an email telling me to remove the status, or they would seek legal action. Classy.

Am I angry? Yes. They cost our daughter a year of family. A year. She will never get that time back. We will never get that time back. I am enraged. It is inexcusable, and unforgivable.

I have been very careful in this post to be factual. I have emails to back up everything I have stated. I have many more examples of wrong doing by OWAS, but it didn't happen directly to us, so I will not post those.

I do know people that have completed adoptions with One World. I am in shock as to HOW they happened, given our experience with our case worker and other people in charge there.

If you have any questions, I would be happy to answer them.

NO CHILD SHOULD HAVE TO BE MADE TO WAIT LIKE OUR DAUGHTER HAS BEEN FORCED TO. Please- research your agencies online before you make your choice.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Label Maker Included

Being open minded was not really a good thing. At least, not in the circles I was brought up in. Things were black and white, there was no gray, no room for compromise. God only worked in absolutes, and He surely never changed His mind. Consequently, I had a list of absolutes: lots of "I will/would never".

 I would never put my kid in public school. Public school is where kids went when their parents were pagans! Even if the child went to church, it would be no match against the atheist teachers who would pave the way for them to do drugs, have babies at 12 and live a life dedicated to Satan's work.

I would never be in debt. Debt was caused by bad choices and/or not trusting God to meet your needs.

I would never get divorced. If you really trusted God and obeyed His plan for wives, there was nothing God couldn't heal your marriage of.

I would never put my child on medication for 'behavioral issues'. It had to be the work of the Devil, or poor/lazy parenting, or white bread.

Good gosh, reading just those four (only slightly exaggerated) examples makes me want to slam my younger self into a wall. (BTW, I completely apologize for my younger self. I can only imagine the things I said and the feelings I hurt. I am honestly filled with remorse and regret.)

If you know my family, or you have read this blog before, you probably know I have a difficult child. I love her, but she is enough to test my sanity most days. At first, we proclaimed her 'spirited'. Then as she got older, we began to see there was more at work in her brain than 'just' being spirited or sensitive. By her 6th birthday, it was incredibly obvious we needed some interventions. We saw her pediatrician for a referral, and then we had an appt with a 'shrink'. It was a clear cut case in his mind that we were dealing with major OCD and anxiety.

Meds were prescribed. I told almost no one because I didn't want to be judged. I didn't want to be labeled a bad mother, or a lazy mother. I didn't blog about it because I was afraid of being judged, and of her being labeled.

A few months went by. Gabe and I began to think there might be something else going on in our girl's cute head. We waited, tried to deal with it, read books, applied what we'd learned, tweaked her diet: nothing. Another doctor visit. Another med. Another label.

I have discovered something. Most of us moms think we are the only one dealing with *fill in the blank*. We feel alone and we feel shame. I have slooowllly uncovered something. I have friends with kids that have the same issues (or at least, very similar issues). And no one wants to talk about it; no one wants be labeled or judged or whatever. So then everyone else thinks they are alone.

This. Is. Craziness.

My name is Kim. My middle child is spirited, has Sensory Processing dysfunction, OCD, Anxiety, and ADHD.

 If she had diabetes, would I refuse medication? If she needed glasses, would I tell her to try harder to see the page or punish her for squinting?

I no longer care if you think I am a lazy, medication happy, candy feeding, bad Christian. I don't. I do what I need to do. I home school AND have a child in public school because, guess what? My children aren't the same and they have different educational needs. And while God doesn't change His mind, there is a point (if you're honest and listening) where you reach the end of one thing He wants you to do (live here, work there, home school now, public school then) and you move into another phase.

You don't have to agree with me. That's okay. But if you need a friend because you too feel alone and judged, you hear this: I am here. Let's talk. Let's have a play date. Let's find the humor in our kid's quirks because we need to show them how to not be so serious and down on themselves for being different. And quite frankly, I could use a laugh every now and then. Text me in the middle of your next melt down while you are locked in the bathroom trying to stop crying. I will bring Starbucks to your window. Or I can hose you down with cold water. Whatever works. And then you can do the same for me.