Random Act of Kindness and our Adoption

There is this young, single mom in my Thursday night discipleship group. She has a (super cute) daughter that just had her first birthday.

Thursday we met and she started telling me about her daughter's birthday, and how she (the mom) has been wanting to be able to give back and bless others. One way she decided to do this? She explained to everyone coming to her daughter's birthday party, that in lieu of gifts to please bring a donation to go to a family that needed some help. (I didn't see the email, so I don't really know what all was said.)

At this point, she brought out an envelope and gave it to me. We were the family she wanted to help. Specifically, to help with K's adoption costs.

The total shock I felt left me just staring at her. I sure hope I seemed as grateful as I was/am because I could not form a thought or a sentence. The complete selflessness of the act blew me completely out of the water. Complete selflessness and sacrifice.

I don't want to give her name. I hope she sees this. (If you do, just 'like' my post on Facebook.) Thank you doesn't cover it. I know you could have used the cash/gifts for yourself or for your daughter. I pray you get blessed in a HUGE way for this. I hope this story inspires others to use this idea and to find their own family to help.

Thank you again, from the bottom of our hearts.

Raw Emotion

Currently, there I am doing something that people do in college or about that stage....No, it's not wild parties or drinking, or studying until 3 in the morning....

It's questioning. Everything. Every belief I have ever had or thought I had is being thoroughly re-examined. 

No, not re examined, because I never really thought for myself,  I just swallowed thoughts and positions on topics because the person standing in front of me said it was so. Then I regurgitated it as needed.  

When kids go to college, or join the work force, they generally meet up with people that have different thoughts. There's discussions, persuasions, arguments. But eventually, you end up either convinced you were right, or you change your stance. Often, this is labeled a 'crisis of faith'. I'm sure sometimes that's what it is, but a lot of times, the now adult child has their own ideas and is swapping out the previous beliefs for another: a belief that THEY OWN. 

I never did that. I took what my parents thought and it meshed with what people at 'college' taught/thought/said and the people I worked with, so I was never challenged to think for myself. 

I thought I thought for myself, but really, I was a ignorant parrot. 

Then I got married. And I adopted some (okay, a lot) of what my husband thought and believed. It wasn't really drastically different, so it was an easy flow. 

Then I got bogged down in babies. And I admired the people around me who had well thought out beliefs and could articulate them. I was tired, battling depression, and could barely form words, forget complete sentences!

Fast forward to my children being older. Now, for the first time, I start the very beginnings of rethinking my beliefs. How do I want to raise my kids? Discipline them? Teach them? And why- why do I come to my conclusions? 

The atomic blast was from my middle child. She hit me over the head with stubbornness, energy, and then as she got older, there was her diagnosis with anxiety, OCD and ADHD. Which, BTW, I never believed existed until she came along. 

There are not words for the wake up call that was, and how much that shook me. Or the judgement from other parents. Or the relief that *I* wasn't a bad parent (once I decided I didn't give a flying fig what others thought) she really needed the diet changes and medication (and probably, one day, therapy). 

There were some other events that lead to my need to rethink my beliefs. I remember the distinct moment in a Bible study where I was overwhelmed with the knowledge that large portions of my beliefs and opinions where either COMPLETELY FALSE or needed some 'fine tuning'. 

Internally, I freaked out. Internally, I'm still freaking out. It's over whelming. It's exhausting. It's emotional. It's unpleasant. It has cost me sleep, time, energy and friends. And I'm not done. Had I done this when I was in my 20s, it would have been easier. But I had built so much on so many either LIES, or at the least, faulty conclusions. So there's an extra 15 years worth of crap to unload and process. 

So if I offend you while I reprogram myself, I'm sorry. If I alienate you, please have patience with me. If you are reading my blogs and talking with me on Facebook and you cannot figure out what the everlovin' crap is WRONG with me, this post is all I can refer you to. Please bear with me while I have MY 'crisis of faith' (and, no, I'm not ditching God, Jesus, church or the Bible, although that maybe your perception). 

Please stand back while my head implodes and am forced to do things that should have happened years ago. And if you are dealing with the same thing, I'd love to talk to you, because currently I feel pretty lonely. 

Bitter- table for one

I have been posting a lot of links and such the last several weeks. They have (mostly) been with regard to the Gosnell trial, sexual abuse awareness and it's mishandling in the "Christian" community, abuse in the name of discipline, and home schooling. I've gotten interesting responses to several of those 'rabbit trails', some good, some bad.

I'm hoping there were eyes opened as a result of the links I shared, but I have no real idea. And that's okay.

The home school stories however, apparently really anger people. Which is not my goal. My goal is to make people aware of what is going on outside our bubble, and make those of us that *do* home school maybe, just maybe, raise our bars and make sure we don't fall in the same holes as those that have gone before us.

I was home schooled 3rd thru 12th grade. Then I taught in Christian schools. Then I home schooled my own three. I sort of felt like someone who has been-there-done-that, therefore was maybe, just maybe, slightly more knowledgeable than the 'average ranter' on any random blog. Instead, I have been labeled as bitter, disillusioned, and accused of slander, generalizations, and throwing the baby out with the bathwater- all on more than one occasion. (Side note about the bathwater, I shouldn't throw homeschooling out with the bathwater, but it's okay if they throw out public schools with the bathwater.) I even was told to stick to being funny.

If you are doing a good job teaching your children, I applaud you. I have lots of friends that home school, and as far as I know and can tell, they do a great job. Nothing I have said about poor home schooling has been specifically aimed at anyone. But I'm not in every house 24/7, and it's not my job to police you. That's YOUR job, as the home schooling parent.

What I saw growing up in the home schooling subculture- if you will- was fear of government, perfect families on parade at conferences, people who twist scripture to control their wives and children, and the occasional mother who burned out and probably should have put their child in school, but didn't. There was, at that time, probably still now to a degree, a lot of pressure not to quit or give up on home schooling. There might still be, but I cannot deal with being in a home school group, so I'm rouge and therefore not subjected to that kind of pressure. (I only went to one meeting and almost couldn't breath the entire time.)

Since there are very few regulations on home schooling, home schooling families generally don't get 'busted' like public school teachers/systems do. Which then makes schools look bad and home schooling look like the safest option. Therefore, us first generation home schoolers grow up, find our voices, and write blogs or 'rant' on Facebook. Like it or not, there IS A REASON there are home school 'survivor' blogs and groups. The reasons are many, but the biggest reason (as I can tell) is that we had no voice as children/teens but we're darn sure going to speak now because NOT everyone who home schools SHOULD home school.

(And then we get labeled and dismissed.)

You can tell yourself what you want. You can block me (as some have). You can ignore what's going on. I'm not bitter- I was raised the best my parents knew how at the time (I say that because I'm sure from convos that we've had they would redo certain parts). I can't undo any portion of how I was brought up, I can only learn from it. I can copy what worked and toss the rest. I can warn of pitfalls and try and make you see from a different perspective. I'm very thankful for various blogs and friends, because I, personally, have learned a lot. Iron sharpening iron, that sort of thing. What works for one, doesn't work for all. It can't! We're too different and we're all constantly changing and growing and (hopefully) maturing.

I'm hopeful this has made some of you see where I am coming from. I'm hoping this has cleared up a few things. I'm hoping that maybe some of you will be less ticked at me. I am NOT against home schooling. Even though I will be putting my three in public school this next school year, we might circle back to home schooling. We see education as a year by year decision. "What do our kids need at this stage?" is what we ask ourselves. I only know a few others who do that, and I know that makes us seem strange. Well, strangER, and that's okay. We don't parent for points or popularity or as a result of peer pressure, we parent for our kids.

Preggo Update: Week 17

I kinda missed the 12 week post and the 16 week post, so pardon me while I catch up on week 17 here.

How many weeks: 17 exactly

Weight gained: 5

Sickness: No. That stopped about week 12 or 13. I am having horrendous heartburn some evenings however. The kind that goes all the way through to your back and between your shoulder blades.

Any cravings: Weird ones. Like Pizza Hut Personal Pan pizzas (specific, I know) and CFA sandwhiches. Still loving the milk, too.

Any purchases: No, but I have my eye on a really cute diaper bag :)

Are you finding out the gender: Yes. I have with all 3. I will be at 20 weeks on Memorial Day weekend, but we are not having the u/s done until mid June. It's only 2 extra weeks, but we are hoping to take Ksenija to that appt.

Can you feel the baby: Yes. Slightly more than flutters, but still not very strong.

Any gender guess: None. I have zero feeling at all as to what this baby will be. I guessed correctly on 2 out of our 3, and I wish I had some inner clue this time. Specifically, I'm pulling for a blond boy, but we'll see. :)