It's questioning. Everything. Every belief I have ever had or thought I had is being thoroughly re-examined.
No, not re examined, because I never really thought for myself, I just swallowed thoughts and positions on topics because the person standing in front of me said it was so. Then I regurgitated it as needed.
When kids go to college, or join the work force, they generally meet up with people that have different thoughts. There's discussions, persuasions, arguments. But eventually, you end up either convinced you were right, or you change your stance. Often, this is labeled a 'crisis of faith'. I'm sure sometimes that's what it is, but a lot of times, the now adult child has their own ideas and is swapping out the previous beliefs for another: a belief that THEY OWN.
I never did that. I took what my parents thought and it meshed with what people at 'college' taught/thought/said and the people I worked with, so I was never challenged to think for myself.
I thought I thought for myself, but really, I was a ignorant parrot.
Then I got married. And I adopted some (okay, a lot) of what my husband thought and believed. It wasn't really drastically different, so it was an easy flow.
Then I got bogged down in babies. And I admired the people around me who had well thought out beliefs and could articulate them. I was tired, battling depression, and could barely form words, forget complete sentences!
Fast forward to my children being older. Now, for the first time, I start the very beginnings of rethinking my beliefs. How do I want to raise my kids? Discipline them? Teach them? And why- why do I come to my conclusions?
The atomic blast was from my middle child. She hit me over the head with stubbornness, energy, and then as she got older, there was her diagnosis with anxiety, OCD and ADHD. Which, BTW, I never believed existed until she came along.
There are not words for the wake up call that was, and how much that shook me. Or the judgement from other parents. Or the relief that *I* wasn't a bad parent (once I decided I didn't give a flying fig what others thought) she really needed the diet changes and medication (and probably, one day, therapy).
There were some other events that lead to my need to rethink my beliefs. I remember the distinct moment in a Bible study where I was overwhelmed with the knowledge that large portions of my beliefs and opinions where either COMPLETELY FALSE or needed some 'fine tuning'.
Internally, I freaked out. Internally, I'm still freaking out. It's over whelming. It's exhausting. It's emotional. It's unpleasant. It has cost me sleep, time, energy and friends. And I'm not done. Had I done this when I was in my 20s, it would have been easier. But I had built so much on so many either LIES, or at the least, faulty conclusions. So there's an extra 15 years worth of crap to unload and process.
So if I offend you while I reprogram myself, I'm sorry. If I alienate you, please have patience with me. If you are reading my blogs and talking with me on Facebook and you cannot figure out what the everlovin' crap is WRONG with me, this post is all I can refer you to. Please bear with me while I have MY 'crisis of faith' (and, no, I'm not ditching God, Jesus, church or the Bible, although that maybe your perception).
Please stand back while my head implodes and am forced to do things that should have happened years ago. And if you are dealing with the same thing, I'd love to talk to you, because currently I feel pretty lonely.
Kim... it doesn't always happen when you're in your 20s, though that might seem more convenient. In my opinion, it's never really very convenient to re-think things and determine that you may, indeed, have spent a good number of years believing things which either aren't true or aren't completely true. Sometimes these things happen after 15-16 years of marriage. Whenever it does come, your "life" (as you have known it) is turned upside down and nothing is "safe" or "secure" anymore. It's a very scary and confusing time. However, God is still there in this time. He is not being taken by surprize. He is not any different than He ever was, though our perceptions of Him may have changed.
ReplyDeleteWhen I went through the 'fruit basket upset' phase of my life (at least the most recent one), pretty much everything was up for grabs. I found, as time went on though, that even that upsetting and unsettling time was for my good, and much good came from it that couldn't have come any other way (though I surely wish it could have).
Please resist any urge you may have to blame anyone or anything. If there are those who have wronged you, forgive them. If you have done wrong, ask forgiveness... and move on. You have 3 girls (so far :) watching to see how you handle the slings and arrows of life. I have begun to feel that, for me, it's more important to teach Emily how to deal with the difficulties of life... how to handle them Biblically (IF I can figure THAT out!) than it is to try to protect her FROM those difficulties. You are so good at being transparent... that should be a real blessing to your kids as you work out your salvation with fear and trembling.
Much love, Lisa Rader
You are not alone. Many of us go through this process of looking at how religion intermingled with our own vulnerabilities and the process of sorting out became painful and disturbing both to us and to the others standing by.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. Getting it out either on a blog or on FB is a great thing.